I
sniffed out this article and damn-near split a gut laughing! It was a
gas! (shoot me)
Inconsiderate
passengers can make even the smoothest of flights a stressful
experience.
Just
ask one disgruntled traveler who took issue with one particular
neighbour - in the areas of rows 10 to 12 - who kept passing gas
during the journey.
In
fact, things got so bad at one point that the unhappy passenger
even went so far as to pass a desperate note, written on a napkin,
to a flight attendant.
The
plea for help was then posted to Reddit
by user Garwee20, who wrote: 'My flight attendant mom got this
napkin from an upset passenger.'
'I
don't know if you can make an announcement,' the note reads. 'But
if you can, you should say that whoever is farting in the areas of
rows 10 to 12 should definitely see a doctor because they might
have ass cancer'.
I
crossed my 2 millionth commercial air-mile in September of 1977 and
can say this is by no means a rare event. Back then, smoking was
allowed and the airlines DID have a higher fresh air turnover,
not much as it takes a lot of energy to make something breathable out
of 500 mph air cooled to -50 degrees!
My
personal worst experience by far was on a trip from Honolulu to
Sidney where we traveled in an old, under-powered 707 stretch jet.
Outside of having every seat occupied, the poor old bird was carrying
a maximum load of fuel, enough luggage and freight to qualify as a
Mayflower moving van, and food for a couple of meals for the crowd on
the 11 hour flight. Having a father that was a flight instructor,
charter pilot, and barn-stormer plus my large amount of air
travel-miles, you'd think I'd be immune to most sensory insults. Ever
have a stunt passenger that shits his britches?
Not
so, JP-4 breath. The pilot put the poor old plane on maximum power,
still, after what seemed to be miles of runway had passed under us,
it kinda looked like we were going to be taking a drive in the
Pacific! At last we got air-born, still we were over an hour reaching
cruising altitude. Flying with such a small margin of safety seems
like bad business.
Before
I get around to the unpleasantness, let me describe the earlier
flight from San Francisco to Honolulu. We only had 12 passengers in a
747 with a cabin crew of 17! I had boiled up a bag of quail eggs for
snacks before leaving as I raised Coturnix as a hobby. Also, since
I'd be gone for at least 2 months, myself and friends had eaten scads
of quail over the previous weeks.
I
figured on a full flight to Hawaii as it was winter, this was a very
nice surprise! With the cute, little speckled eggs as an opener, I
wound up being invited to join the gals (and 2 guys but they don't
count!) for poker and a free liquor cart for the next 5 hours. ...if
only all flights could be as nice!
The
pleasantness of the flight to Hawaii just made the
unpleasantness of the flight from Hawaii more pronounced. You
see, 128 pound, 5' 4" me was sandwiched between 2 quite
overweight, cigar-smoking, (bad words deleted). I didn't smoke, those
two rude (bad words deleted again), chain-smoked their El Ropo
Supremos the entire eleven hours to Sidney. Took this little
long-distance running rock-climber a couple of days to recover from
that trip. It's not only farts; then again what were those extremely
rude guys if THEY weren't farts themselves?
Then
there was the time my bride of one day (Air Force brat, she'd lived
in scads of places from Wiesbaden to Manila) and I were headed to
Jamaica on our honeymoon. We hit clear-air turbulence so violent that
quite a few of the passengers wound up hospitalized.
More?
On one flight over the Tasman Sea between Sidney and Auckland, I was
truly ''enjoying'' the journey (the previous night, some friends
threw me a farewell party, I was still kinda numb...), clear weather,
modestly full Qantas 747, a helpful set of flight attendance that
assisted in helping me get over the previous night when we hit the
worst clear-air turbulence I've ever experienced. It was like the
Hand of God slapping us out of the sky. I couldn't imagine that jet
not receiving at least SOME air frame damage.
Are
you getting the idea that flying with me is probably not a good
idea?! I'm not done...
I
hitch-hiked the of length of New Zealand for a vacation. Actually, my
work was better than most vacations as I designed and occasionally
installed low-light-level acquisition systems for major astronomical
observatories. The work and the people were about as much fun as a
man could have with his pants on! Since I'm still writing this essay,
you know God is gonna get another chance to laugh...
I
had gone as far as the Franz Josef Glacier on the South Island in a
bit over a month (kept getting delayed by invitations to the homes of
some of the finest folk I've ever met) when I was taken ill from the
infamous NZ lung-fungus. Not a lot of fun. I flew back to Auckland
International via a light plane courtesy of one of the many good folk
I met for a state-side flight. Besides, my visa had expired!
Are
you ready for it?
Seems
the Pan-Am flight scheduled for my return flight had been delayed by
mechanical problems. The front landing gear had collapsed on landing
at Papeete and it was going to be a bit late. Lots late.
Wanna
go flying with me?!
...then
there was the flight from San Francisco to Atlanta. I was heading
east to spend time with my bride-to-be at her college and I was
fortunate in having another young engineer as a seat-mate. Good
conversation with good people always made long flights more
comfortable.
You
just know this is going too smoothly don'tcha? You'd be right...
We
were approaching Atlanta and descending when there was a sharp
'crack' followed by having the entire cabin filling with what smelled
like insulation smoke almost instantly. The pilot went in to a very
rapid descent. There wasn't even the slightest feeling of panic on my
seat-mate or myself. We later discussed it and never came to any
conclusion other than the simple acceptance that we were about to
die.
The
plane was landed at Maxwell AFB. It was the closest that had runway
foaming facilities.
Up,
up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful ballooooon!
I
think my pot is developing cracks.
This
is nowhere near finished. There were the flight crew on a Hughes
Airwest return trip from Reno to San Francisco where I'd been invited
to be best man at a good pair of friends' wedding. The wedding is a
looong story, funny as all get-out. The flight crew were feeling no
pain at all and were playing 'tour guides' (in the middle of the
night) to the SF area on the aircraft's PA system, including some air
maneuvers that I'm quite certain weren't in the aircraft's flight
manual. This would have been somewhat upsetting to me, however I was
returning from a Reno wedding where I had become very good friends
with Mr. Daniels...
...to
be continued
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